The prompt goes on to say: “this can be an old belief system. Something holding you back or any other unhelpful thought.”

Biggest thing I think is the fear of not being enough. That I fall short. The lack of confidence. I want to be ok with making mistakes, being ok if I’m falling short. If I’m not smart enough. If I’m as good as an athlete. To just be. And maybe related is the “fear” of confrontation. To make a problem of things. Stand up for myself. So much so I feel it my body reacting. And today I see it getting better. Waiting and not reacting. At work it’s easier, less personal. On the personal life, it is, well, personal. So it’s harder. And even this discomfort on reflecting about myself. Untangling uncomfortable memories, thoughts. I tend to mentally step out and address things as a 3rd party. It’s easier to just accept things how they are and not look too closely inwards. Or not take it personally when I try to - which is insane right? It should be personal. I feel like I need to be in control, show up strong. Keep things together. Which maybe that’s an ok thought? But at which expense? Hiding things? That should never be the case. As put together as I may seem in the surface, we all have dirty laundry.

Even in writing these words I find it hard sometimes. Many things are still left out. Maybe one day I’ll be able to share more. But not today.